1. Believing that you are now ruined or defiled, an outcast and flawed. The fact that you are divorced, no matter what the circumstances, has nothing to do with who you are. Yes, you have changed and this process has taken its toll on you, but it does not make you a lesser being, so let no one put you in that category, especially you yourself. If those thoughts cross your mind, stop them in their tracks and know that you are loved, honored and cherished... and, that you have been graced with another chance of experiencing something else!
2. Constantly seeing yourself as the third wheel in groups. Let's not deny facts.... many times you will be the third wheel. You will only feel this way if you see yourself as the third wheel. If and when people invite you, they know that you are single and would not have invited you if they did not want you there. Go and rock the occasion! Enjoy every invitation with vivacious laughter and see the opportunities in your new status.
3. Rushing into relationships too soon. When walking out of a long-term relationship or marriage, you do leave with a lot of baggage. There are the consequences that need to be faced, you need to figure out who this newly single person is. When you get divorced, you are not the same person that you were 10 or 20 odd years ago. You have hopefully evolved since then. A marriage does change you because you are constantly juggling emotions, looking out for the other person, making choices that benefit the couple, not necessarily you as an individual. You start to think differently because there is another person involved. Now, when on your own, that thinking pattern has to be adjusted and things need to be put into perspective. What are the most important priorities now? So, a new rhythm needs to be established, one that you are comfortable with. When you fall out of marriage and into another relationship, you drag the “unstable” you into the new relationship. Go through the process of “rehabilitation” before venturing into something that you want to be permanent.
4. Distancing yourself from social groups. No man/woman is an island. I know that one needs time to lick wounds and to recalibrate. This recalibration time can become so comfortable that you might not want to venture out of it. Join a dance company, a reader’s circle, a wine tasting group, or anything that might take you out of your normal comfortable surroundings. Distancing yourself for a too long period of time, paves the way for depression. Catch yourself before the downward spiral sneaks up on you.
5. Avoiding happy couples. I know, I know… the last thing that you want to do is to be surrounded by loving couples who gush over each other and make you nauseous. All I am saying is, acknowledge that there are still happy marriages and relationships. See them, and immediately say to yourself something like, “Yes, more like that!” and smile. It places you in a much better place than you looking around and seeing that you are surrounded by
“ *&%@ couples that are all over each other, and need to get a %$#@ room!” Your whole vibration will change when you can still see beauty, in your time of “drought”.
6. Fall into negative, cynical, critical patterns. Yes, I have been there and actually know what I am talking about. You don’t want to be surrounded by happiness, because it makes your life or situation feel worse and the lack thereof can be obvious. Your tongue becomes venomous whenever young love blooms and you only see the “what could have’s and what if’s”. The naysayer? Yup, you can morph into this persona with ease if you are unaware of its existence. The fact that you have had a negative experience, or two, or three…. does not make it the norm. Curb your negative inclination and focus on what you would like to experience again, or not.
You have gained valuable information along your way and can now decide what you want to experience in the future. Use that to your advantage!
7. Believing that you will not find someone to love you as you are. Obviously, there must be something wrong with you if you are divorced!
Wrong thinking! One gets divorced for a myriad of reasons. The bottom line being, if two people are not good for each other, they should not be together. That’s it! No use in slogging along in agony. If they do not bring out the best in each other, time is up! We have grown up in a culture where you fix something that is broken, but sometimes the pieces do not even fit into each other and we force them into a form or shape that becomes totally dysfunctional. No amount of therapy, talking, questionnaires, fasting or threatening is going to soften the hardened heart. Out there will be someone on your same level looking for the same things that you are. Just be very sure that you are at your best and highest vibration when wanting to attract someone. You do not want to attract someone that connects with your insecurities, lack mentality or self-worth issues. Deal with them and see the magic happen without you overexerting yourself.
8. Latching onto someone for the sake of financial security. I have heard many say that they got married for love the first time around and the second or third time, it will be for …..Money! Money does not safeguard a relationship. Whereas the lack of it definitely has its challenges. The fact that you fall into a relationship with the mindset that money will soften the edges, is putting yourself on a slow path of dismal destruction. Before venturing into something worthwhile pursuing, ascertain that you are able to sustain and provide for yourself. Becoming dependent on another person for your wellbeing, is you making a choice of codependency and placing your life in the hands of someone else. A dangerous place to be in, especially if you fall prey to a narcissist, sociopath or some or other “-path”.
So, when all has been said and done, this period of time in your life is a grace period. A fraction of time where you can do introspection, recalibrate, change your mindset, pursue new hobbies, rekindle old friendships and find true happiness within yourself and your place on earth.
Try not to squander it and make it worth your while. As one of my mentors usually says…. Upwards and Onwards! Choose to Live life Bravely!