The Wayward Walk

Life could be amazing..... yeah right, whatever.... How many people do you personally know that see life as fantastic, amazing, exciting and something to look forward to? How many relationships do you know of where the loving couple have nothing to say to each other?

I have always looked at people and thought to myself how absolutely sad to live life without any expectations..until one day, I was knocked out of my slumber and realized that that was what I had become. I was one of "them" I was one of those women who seemingly had absolutely nothing to live for... Even though I my life looked perfect from the outside, there was no substance to it. One day was just a drudgery to the next... Nothing to look forward to... Nothing to wake up for! How did I get to be here! Exactly where I didn't want to be! Living a life that was more of an issue than anything else... And the problem was, I was not the only one. I was not the only one experiencing these emotions. I could not blame everything on hormones! Everywhere I went I saw dull eyes around me.. Lifeless and with no hope for the future. Having the same conversations concerning their kids, prices of food, sporting events, chronic diseases. What saddened me was the fact that I supposedly had all the answers to life that I needed to be able to make a success of my life. Yet... There was no depth to it. I had learned all the right moves, I had the right background, experiences, spiritual guidance, qualifications ....and still ... Death had crept in so steadily that it became the lifeline that fed me. It did not bring me the right result though. So how had I come to this place.... A perfect place....yet filled with the stench of death. Could I dare to start tryouts at this late stage of my life, how will I do this, will I succeed? Will I have the courage to see this through... What will the people say. Will I able to survive this? An overwhelming numbing fear of reality set in, and being surrounded by a Christian culture just fuelled all these vibrations of uncertainty, insecurities? Job's friends voices were a constant echo twirling through my mind. Now, I look back at these questions that popped up during the last few years and I realized that the Growth had come slowly, and I had steadily been changing without realizing it. Things that were important to me, had become redundant along the way. This journey is the most fantastic one that I have been on.... So far..... Will I turn back the clock and go back to where I was a mere year ago.... Heck no!!! All those insecurities, some of those questions had been answered along the way.... All I have to do, is to ask the scary questions, listen to the answers, be willing to change and grow..... Scary questions like ...... Am I really who I think I am, or am I living everyone else's perception of me.... Or, am I making my choices or are my beliefs making them? But that is another topic for another day